Why I Never Give Unsolicited Advice
August 21st, 2009 by Bob Bly
TQ, a friend of many years, does not understand a rule I live by, which is: never give unsolicited advice.
Here are 5 reasons why I do not give unsolicited advice — and why I am not crazy about getting it, either:
1 — If other people really wanted your advice, they would ask for it.
2 — People don’t value advice unless they seek it out. And even then, they don’t really value advice all that much unless they PAY for it.
3 — The giver of unsolicited advice often makes the erroneous assumption that the receiver has goofed because of lack of knowledge.
What the giver does not realize is that the receiver either (a) does not agree with the giver’s opinion or (b) has made the error because of lack of time — or because fixing it is not a priority.
4–The giver of unsolicited advice may claim his motive is purely to be helpful, but the action is almost always driven in part by a conceited desire to show off (what he perceives as) his superior knowledge.
As such, it comes across as argumentative, arrogant, and annoying — not kind, friendly, and helpful.
5 — The advice giver erroneously assumes that the topic in question is a priority to the recipient.
In fact, it may not be a priority. Often, it is not even the least bit important.
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August 21st, 2009 at 9:34 pm
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August 21st, 2009 at 11:38 pm
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August 23rd, 2009 at 8:57 am
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August 23rd, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I definitely agree with that, and a big one you mentioned “People don’t value advice unless they seek it out. And even then, they don’t really value advice all that much unless they PAY for it.”
Once people pay for information advice it now gives it a higher percieved value and they have to get their money’s worth, so they pay more attention and use this advice.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:24 am
Hi Bob
I assume you are talking about advice given personally to a friend or acquaintance.
I feel it is still all right to write useful and informative articles or blog posts that give useful hints to people for use now or later.
What do you say about that mode of advice?
August 24th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Tell people something they know already and they will thank you for it.
Tell them something new and they will hate you for it.
www.mombiot.ca
August 24th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Tell people something they know already and they will thank you for it.
Tell them something new and they will hate you for it.
www.mombiot.com
August 24th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Oh how true you are Bob. Here’s a personal story to back you up
I use to work with someone who would share their advice/opinions on topics work related, and non. Most times I would be doing something completely different while he’s talking to me thinking “I should” be listening?!
The worst thing is that I NEVER once asked for this person to share any advice… unless I asked for it first which maybe happened less than 5 times.
I asked him once, “Do you like hearing yourself speak?”
He didn’t like that and responded with “I gotta have an intelligent conversation with someone at work so it might as well be me.”
As I was laughing he asked what was so funny. I told him most people who share advice too willingly are looking for approval for their own advice.
He huffed and puffed, and attempted to re-direct what he thought was my lack of not listening into being disrespectful when he spoke.
Needless to say, he’s the one who got transferred to another store. Not me
See ya later Bob,
Scott Lucas
AKA- Scottro
August 24th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Arun: If it is on a blog or article, it is NOT unsolicited advice, because people are actively seeking it out and voluntarily reading it.
August 24th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I think it’s human nature to want to help people with our expertise, whether they ask for that help or not. For example, I was recently tempted to give unsolicited advice to someone who created a website designed to “sell” her husband (get him a job). I saw several ways it could’ve been improved.
But I agree with you, Bob. Even when well-intended, unsolicited advice is rarely welcomed or appreciated. Heck, even solicited advice can get you into trouble if you’re not careful how you word it.
August 24th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Thanks for this article Bob, you really said it well. I totally agree with you.
I know someone who always nags people with his annoying unsolicited advice and critiques. Everyone avoids him.
On the other hand, I never give free advice. Even when people seek out your advice you should either decline to give it, or charge a high price for it.
As Dan Kennedy said, “If you give people unlimited access to your time, they won’t value or implement your suggestions.” Even when people pay a lot of money for advice they often fail to follow through. But at least if you were well paid to waste your time it is not as bad, haha.
www.MarkNolan.com
August 24th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
You’re performing almost every one of the 5 bullet points right here and now.
Thanks for the advice.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Joseph: I don’t understand your comment.
February 15th, 2010 at 11:07 pm
I’m asian and I’ve lived among westerners here in the Americas for nearly 30 years. Your points are right when it comes to westeners, however, where I come from, people always welcome advices and don’t react negatively to advices as most westeners do, even when the advice comes from a stranger.
I must admit that I was raised to give and receive advices. But I also admit that this has given me a lot of trouble and negative feedback.
I guess the western philosophy is “Shut up, because I already know what you’re going to say, and if I don’t know it, I certainly don’t want you to be the one who teaches me that”.
I’m an engineer and there are a lot of knowledge that I have and I notice that some people need, but because of their pride I often resist the temptation of openning my mouth.
I do believe that when knowledge is shared it can change our environment for good.
You’re right when you say that an advicer is showing off, but I think this is not 100%, I’m sure a significant part of advicing is legitimate help. But even if a person is showing off, I’m willing to take the advice and use it for my benefit. After all, is free stuff, with some publicity, but free anyways.
But after all these years of observation I’ve come to the sad conclusion that instead of advicing people, I’ll better switch to the other side where I take advantage of their lack of knowledge. It is more profitable and appreciated.
March 18th, 2010 at 6:10 pm
[…] I used to hear friends complain about money, and I would rush to tell them what to do. Even when I knew the objective “right” answer, they never, ever listened to me. Instead, their eyes glazed over and they ignored me. Eventually I started resenting them for not listening (which is a ridiculous reaction on my part). After 1.5 years of this, I decided to implement what I called the Honey Pot Strategy, where I let the right people come to me, via this blog. It has been a miraculous change. People are smart: Only the right people come, and the wrong people realize this site isn’t for them, and leave (that’s why I don’t mind when people say they’re unsubscribing from this site). Read more: Bob Bly, the noted copywriter, writes about why he never gives unsolicited advice. […]
March 19th, 2010 at 8:32 am
I very much agree with you Bob. That’s why having a blog is a great way to share advice and knowledge with people who are really interested. If they’re not, they would leave before they finish reading the headline.
Even though it’s not an explicit rule I live by, I realize that I somehow internalized the idea quite a while ago. I don’t usually give advice to others, unless they come asking for it. It makes your life easier (not coming as showing off and getting all the contemptuous eyes), and it makes sure you’re getting the right message to the right people.
Gotta admit that sometimes it’s still tough to resist the temptation to advise someone!
Thanks for this enlightening post.
March 19th, 2010 at 9:55 am
The problem I’ve seen more often than not is that what is often given *isn’t* advice, it’s orders and directions on how to fix the problem with the implication that the recipient is stupid if they don’t take the “advice”. So if I propose unsolicited advice, I’m very careful and phrase it in what has worked for me and try to include some things they may want to try, rather than have to do.
There is also a big difference between someone venting, and someone searching for a real solution needing advice. Often people are venting, like my wife, and don’t want advice of any kind, they want sympathy with their situation. So when you try to “fix” their issue with your advice, you’re really ignoring the point of the conversation from their end and you percieve it as they’re ignoring your advice.
March 19th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
In german, there’s a saying which would roughly translate to “unwanted advice is a vice”. I’m all with you: Giving people advice that they have not asked for is rude and most often creates the opposite of the desired outcome - that is inducing resentment instead of thankfulness.
It took me quite a while to learn that more often than I thought, there’s a reason why people do something, and what I thought would be great advice does not translate to their situation easily. Most of what works for me won’t work for them - they have different frames of reference, different values, different goals. So even if they did what I did, it would not make them happier or help them reach their goals.
I’ve learned that to be heard, you have to listen beforehand - and then carefully consider if what you think *might* work could work in their world and under their reference framework for making decisions. You can’t make anyone do something - all you can do is to describe what works for you. But only if you’re very sure that their environment is much the same and that they think alike - and then hope that having showed them your way sparked an idea on how they themselvel can tackle their problems in a new way they had not thought about.
Anyway, thanks for your post that does a great way of summarizing why advice will hardly work if it is not asked for.
March 19th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
[…] I used to hear friends complain about money, and I would rush to tell them what to do. Even when I knew the objective “right” answer, they never, ever listened to me. Instead, their eyes glazed over and they ignored me. Eventually I started resenting them for not listening (which is a ridiculous reaction on my part). After 1.5 years of this, I decided to implement what I called the Honey Pot Strategy, where I let the right people come to me, via this blog. It has been a miraculous change. People are smart: Only the right people come, and the wrong people realize this site isn’t for them, and leave (that’s why I don’t mind when people say they’re unsubscribing from this site). Read more: Bob Bly, the noted copywriter, writes about why he never gives unsolicited advice. […]
March 22nd, 2010 at 12:07 am
I am having this as my resolution for 2010.. Sticking to it for most of the time. All the point mentioned as absolutely true.
March 24th, 2010 at 7:17 am
I got here by Googling “unsolicited advice.” I agree with you about unsolicited advice. I think there is a difference between advice about concrete skills like engineering versus advice about life or relationship situations, where people may want to “vent” or just get a feel for where they are in a situation. If you think about the difference between a novelist and a mechanic it is helpful. The mechanic is supposed to fix the car. The novelist is supposed to describe in great detail and complexity how we feel about the car and all the relationships between the mechanic, the driver, the children of the driver, what happens one morning when the driver is in a hurry and runs a red light, etc.
March 25th, 2010 at 11:45 am
I give advice all the time. I need to cut back. I don’t want to appear conceited. It does give one a boost of confidence that you are able to provide answers to their problems. It is best to wait for someone to ask for your opinion
March 28th, 2010 at 8:23 am
I also give advice all the time. And you know what? Does not work at all. It´s a waste of time and energy. Completely agree on number 4th argument! It´s a show off profile. I have to cut down that thing. So, now I understand lawers, MD and consultants.
June 24th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
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August 25th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
[…] is an older article about not giving unsolicited advice. It makes a lot of sense since there isn’t much point in giving advice if it is not likely […]